DVD Review: Alfred Hitchcock’s Foreign Correspondent (1940)

Alfred Hitchcock’s Foreign Correspondent (1940)

(Released: 2004 by Warner Home Video)
Another (Not so long, this time!) DVD Review by Joe Torcivia

“I don’t know the ins and outs of your crackpot peace movement, and I don’t know what’s wrong with Europe, but I do know a story when I see one – and I’ll keep after it until either I get it, or it gets me!” -- Joel McCrea, as reporter “Johnny Jones” in “Alfred Hitchcock’s Foreign Correspondent”.

Johnny Jones is a brash crime reporter for the “New York Globe”. His unorthodox methods get often get him in trouble, reflecting badly on both the paper and his editor.

It is the eve of World War II in Europe. Something is clearly afoot, but only the same dull, warmed over pap is dispatched to the Globe by its European correspondent. In a stroke of editorial inspiration, the Globe appoints the unconventional Jones to the Euro-beat.

“Over there”, Jones adopts the name “Huntley Haverstock” for greater credibility, is met by the previous correspondent – Robert Benchley in a semi-humorous role, and covers a “peace movement conference” only to witness the assassination of the Dutch high official “Van Meer”. Shot rather graphically in the face, for the times, I might add.

The gunman gets away in the rainy, atmospheric Amsterdam crowd scene, but not before Jones is off in pursuit, assisted by the daughter of the peace movement’s leader (Larrane Day) and a rival reporter played by the great George Sanders.

The chase appears to have reached a dead-end, until Jones notes that a single Dutch windmill, in a field of many, is turning COUNTER to the wind direction!

From there, it’s plot and counterplot, death-defying chases and plunges, and a fast paced thrill-ride through a world where nothing is as it seems – and even saintly old Edmund Gwenn (“34th Street’s own Santa Claus”) can become a deadly assassin before your unbelieving eyes!

…And then, there’s that amazingly frightening passenger plane crash at sea.

But what did you EXPECT from Alfred Hitchcock?


As is our custom in these reviews, we’ll break it into CONS and PROS.

The CONS:

If there were a “CON” to list, it would have to be that, while the Extra Features are adequate, ANYTHING Hitchcock should offer more.

Most notably, there is NO COMMENTARY TRACK to accompany this film! Surely, there are film historians and Hitchcock scholars capable of providing such a track. “Foreign Correspondent” may not be Hitchcock’s most famous film, but it is more than worthy of a DVD commentary.

The PROS:

The Film: Story and (needless to say) direction are first rate. Print quality is just fine for a film of its age.

The Cast: Joel McCrea, Laraine Day, George Sanders, Herbert Marshall. Robert Benchley, Eduardo Ciannelli (familiar ‘60s TV guest star – usually a sophisticated continental villain, agent, or aristocrat), Ian Wolfe (slight, older, British actor very familiar to STAR TREK fans for appearances in “Bread and Circuses” and “All Our Yesterdays”), and Edmund Gwenn unthinkably cast as an assassin.


Extra Features:

Theatrical Trailer for “Foreign Correspondent”

Let’s let loose with the promotional bluster and hyperbole:

“THE THRILL SPECTACLE OF THE YEAR!”

“THE MOST THRILLING SCENE EVER FILMED!”

The latter, of course, refers to the plane crash at sea, with its explosive impact, and scramble for survival. I’m no film historian – and I don’t even play one on this Blog – but, for all I know, this MIGHT have been the first such SFX scene filmed, or one of the first, or certainly one of the most effective!

“Personal History: Foreign Hitchcock” (Runs 33:32).

Doesn’t exactly make up for the lack of a commentary track but, at a length of over 30 minutes – longer than usual for such a feature, this documentary provides its share of interesting information.

Alfred Hitchcock came to America in 1939, and made “Rebecca” as his first film in the States. He was deeply concerned over the threat of war in Europe, and that concern led to “Foreign Correspondent”.

His collaborator/screenwriter at the time, both here and in his native England was Charles Bennett – who later had a long association with producer Irwin Allen and particularly with VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, from the original 1961 feature film through all four seasons of the (“sub”)sequent television series.

Indeed, knowing this, I can’t help but wonder if Bennett “ported” the spectacular ocean plane crash sequence over to VOYAGE, where FOX TV SFX masters Howard Lydecker and L.B. Abbott recreated it as the great scene (used at different points throughout the series) where the Flying Sub power-dives from the air and hits the water hard.

Bennett’s VOYAGE episode “Escape from Venice” certainly seems influenced by the plot of “Foreign Correspondent”.

Producer Joan Harrison, the most significant creative presence behind the ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS television series was also a screenwriter for “Foreign Correspondent”.

Other topics include: Hitchcock’s proposal to his wife (and creative partner) Alma, detail on the crash sequence, and parallels to the later “North by Northwest”.

Participants include: Patricia Hitchcock (Alfred’s daughter), film historians Robert Osborne, Rudy Behlmer, and Richard Schickel, actress Laraine Day, directors Peter Bogdonovich and Richard Franklin, Peter Benchley and Nat Benchley authors and grandsons of Robert Benchley, Stuart Birnbaum (“Friend and collaborator of Charles Bennett”) and Mary Stone granddaughter of Hitchcock.

Overall:

“I came 4,000 miles to get a story! I get shot at like a duck in a shooting gallery! I get pushed off buildings! I get the story and then I gotta shut up!” Sounds kinda like KOLCHAK THE NIGHT STALKER… without the monster! Oh, and Jones slyly manages to achieve the results Carl Kolchak never did – leading to one heck of an inspiring final scene.

By this time, need I even say “This is a great film!” or should I just say “This is a HITCHCOCK film!” and be done with it. The selection of Extra Features is good, not great. It is recommended for Hitchcock, foreign intrigue and suspense fans, and enthusiasts of the immediate pre-war period.

Dare I Disagree with Carl Barks?

After thanking Carl Barks for so much – up to and including how to spell the word “February” – in my last post (ungrateful wretch that I am), I’m going to disagree with him in this post!

Though my disagreement is a mild one, and Mr. Barks is not actually “wrong” in his assertion. However, I can speak with some authority, having been a member of the group Mr. Barks speaks of in his quote.

In the book “Carl Barks and the Disney Comic Book” by Thomas Andre, published 2006 by University Press of Mississippi, Carl Barks offered his reasons for the decline in popularity of the “funny animal” comic book – the genre in which Barks made his living – in a 1962 interview with Malcom Willets:

“There’s too much of it on television. You know, the kids can sit for hours and watch these cartoons – POPEYE and YOGI BEAR and even old Disney characters. They’re seeing so much of them that there’s no point in going to the newsstand and paying 12 cents to see more of it. The day of the animal characters, I believe, is past. The human characters are the coming thing.”

First, I will emphasize that I do not feel that Unca Carl is entirely incorrect in his thinking. There WAS indeed a notable decline in the sales and popularity of the “funny animal” comic book circa 1962, that has not truly reversed itself to this day.

But, as a member of the “single-digit-set” in 1962, I have an alternate view…

Quite the opposite of Barks’ opinion, I feel that television PROLONGED the life of many such characters in comic books. With theatre attendance in decline (admittedly due to the growth of television), and the production of the theatrical short in sharper decline still, it was the FAMILIARITY with those characters from television that drove “us” to choose their licensed comic magazines at the newsstand!

In support of this, consider that, in the 1940s and ‘50s, there were many generic funny animal comic books competing with Dell’s licensed theatrical properties. In the 60s and beyond, there were not.

Why? Because our familiarity with Bugs Bunny, Woody Woodpecker, Yogi Bear, and Mr. Barks’ “own” Donald Duck caused us to select them over their more generic imitators, whose magazines faded away. The 1960s Gold Key comics featuring these licensed studio stars may not have thrived as robustly as did their Dell counterparts of the ‘50s, but they would continue to entertain us for some time to come. And, in every case, these comic books outlasted the production of the animated shorts they were based upon – often by decades!

Beyond popularity and longevity, another point on which my personal experiences cause me to take exception is where Carl Barks begins to question the NEED for such for such comic magazines in the new age of television.

In the days of which he speaks, there was certainly a PRESENCE of these characters on television – but it was not an “omnipresence”! YOGI BEAR, or THE FLINTSTONES, or WOODY WOODPECKER, or TOM AND JERRY would be on TV for their half-hour per week – and then they would be GONE for the next seven days!

Seven days, let me remind you, is a LONG TIME for someone in their single-digits!

When a particular show was over… it was OVER, and it would not return for a week! The only way one of my generation could continue, prolong, or otherwise augment the experience was by purchasing and reading these very comic books! …AND I DID… QUITE AVIDLY!

If you enjoyed this stuff as much as “Li’l Joe” did in the early to mid-sixties, the very comic magazines that Carl Barks began to view as superfluous, became more important than ever – and created in me that life-long interest that remains to this day!

Since those days, we’ve seen the coming of daily syndicated reruns, VHS home tapings of our favorite shows, commercially available VHS product, cable networks largely or fully devoted to animation, the DVD revolution, You Tube, and digital downloads.

We can now see ANYTHING, anytime we wish – and pretty much have been able to do so for about a generation. The palpable “need” I described for the funny animal comic book no longer exists, and one might argue that Carl Barks was correct after all – just a decade or two ahead of his time!

One happy exception to Barks’ position remains the Disney comic book. Though it’s gone through many publishers since the days of Dell and Gold Key, it remains a constant in our lives since the days of Carl Barks. And, I daresay, it remains BECAUSE the innovations, “ground rules”, conventions, and basic structure that Carl Barks set up between the early ‘40s and the mid/late ‘60s were SO STRONG, and SO SOLID in their craftsmanship that they remain sustainable to the present day – and surely beyond!

…Say, that’s just another thing to thank Carl Barks for!

.

Your thoughts?

Just One More Thing to Thank Carl Barks For!

There are SO MANY THINGS we should thank Carl Barks for! Here’s one that’s uniquely personal.

Quick, what month is this?
Why, it’s “FEB-YEW-WERRY”, of course! The month after “JAN-YEW-WERRY”!

At least, that’s how I used to pronounce ‘em, as a young-un, having been born in good old Brooklyn, NY! Even today, with Brooklyn way back in my “reah-view mirrah”, I might still lapse into that pronunciation of the second month of the calendar year.

Given this, my early grade-school mind figured, if the first month was spelled “JANUARY”, the following month should be spelled “FEBUARY”. Clearly, I was incorrect, and needed to somehow memorize the correct spelling of “FEBRUARY”. But how?

Enter Carl Barks, and his amazing Donald Duck adventure tale “Secret of Hondorica” – originally published in DONALD DUCK # 46 (1956), but first discovered by me in its reprint DONALD DUCK # 98, released in September, 1964.

Let’s pick up the words of one of Donald’s nephews, as he interprets some stone markings of a native culture that has captured their (momentarily unlucky) cousin Gladstone Gander:

“Their picture writing says that he is BRU, their Spirit of Deeds! He flew down with those strange wings long ago and captured CHU, their God of Good Eating”!

Let’s set aside any thoughts of political correctness for the moment, as we’re discussing a work of mid-fifties fiction, and consider that often the key to correct spelling, recitation, or the like is in having a good mnemonic.

In a revelation you’ll find only here, folks, Carl Barks’ spirit “BRU” was my key to the correct spelling of “FeBRUary”… and remains so to this day, as I found myself employing that very device as I typed out the word “February” during the course of my workday!

Yes, as a longtime reader and fan – and now as a part-time freelance comics professional – I have much to thank Carl Barks for. Correctly spelling the word “February” is just one more thing!

PS: I’ve just turned in a dialogue script to a lengthy sequel / tribute to one of Carl Barks’ most famous Donald Duck adventures. (More on this as it becomes official.) The fact that I can even write this sentence is “just one more thing I can thank Carl Barks for”. I hope I’ve done him proud.

DVD Review: The Petrified Forest (1936)

The Petrified Forest (1936)

(Released: 2005 by Warner Home Video)
Another looong DVD Review by Joe Torcivia
“This is Duke Mantee, the world famous killer, an’ he’s hungry!” – and, with this line, a new screen icon was introduced: The great Humphrey Bogart!

Adapted from a successful Broadway play by Robert Sherwood, “The Petrified Forest” makes one heck of a wonderful and suspenseful film as well.

Bette Davis is “Gabrielle Maple” forlorn, frustrated waitress at a “Last Chance Café and Gas Station” in the middle of a desert nowhere. She dutifully toils for her father and grandfather – and fends off the advances of gas pump-jockey and former football star “Boze Hertzlinger” (Dick Foran). Dad is a would-be vigilante, and gramps was quite possibly the template for the “whopper-storytelling gregarious old man” character type.

One-by-one, visitors find their way to the café: Disaffected author and intellectual “Alan Squier” memorably played by Leslie Howard, the wealthy travelers Mr. and Mrs. Chisolm and their chauffeur, and the killer Duke Mantee (Humphrey Bogart in his breakout role!) and his gang.

A fierce sandstorm hits, trapping all inside the little café, providing the tension that unfolds for the rest of the film. The romantic tensions for Davis, Howard, and Foran aside, the film plays not unlike Bogart’s later “Key Largo” (See that review HERE!), except there Bogie was the hero. Howard and Bogart reprise their Broadway roles.

No further spoilers, but this is THE film that launched Humphrey Bogart’s career – and it is a great, melodramatic tension-packed drama.

Three unusual items of note:
The film begins with the Warner Bros. Shield catapulting to the forefront of the screen, just as it does at the start of Warner’s Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies cartoons. The subsequent “Bullets or Ballots” (starring Edward G, Robinson and Bogart) opens in similar fashion. This would indicate that Warner FILMS opened similarly to their cartoons – at least during this period of the 1930s.

Fans of the modern television series HEROES, will note that Young Bogart, as Duke Mantee, bears a remarkable resemblance to Zachary Quinto’s character of “SYLAR”, the series’ main villain. Quinto, who is also known for his reimagining of the character of SPOCK in the J.J. Abrams film version of STAR TREK, might be concerned that he may, one day, end up looking like “Captain Queeg” of “The Caine Mutiny”!

The actual “Petrified Forest” is not seen in the film, outside of an early stock shot.


As is our custom in these reviews, we’ll break it into CONS and PROS.

The CONS:
Can’t really find any “CONs” to list. So, let’s move on to…


The PROS:
The Film: Magnificent drama! Howard, Davis, and Bogart are outstanding!

The Cast:
Bette Davis as “Gabrielle Maple”.
Leslie Howard as “Alan Squier”.
Humphrey Bogart as “Duke Mantee”.
Dick Foran as “Boze Hertzlinger”.
Charley Grapewin as the great “Gramp Maple”.


Extra Features:

Theatrical Trailer for “The Petrified Forest”
By now, you all know how much I love theatrical trailers of this vintage! Especially when foot-high hyperbole like THIS explodes across the screen:

“LESLIE HOWARD RECREATES THE ROLE THAT THRILLED BROADWAY!”

“BETTE DAVIS, MORE TEMPTING, MORE TANTALIZING THEN EVER!”

“HUMPHREY BOGART, THE MOST TERRIFYING CHARACTER SINCE THE CAGNEY OF ‘PUBLIC ENEMY’!”

“BROUGHT TO YOU BY WARNER BROS., THE HIT-AFTER-HIT STUDIO!”

(…What they fail to say is that “Duke Mantee” probably supplied the “hits”!)
Oddly, Leslie Howard and Bette Davis are seen initially in “negative (reverse) image”, reverting to normal image once their hype is displayed on the screen!

Commentary Track by Bogart biographer Eric Lax. Nobody does a Bogart commentary like Eric Lax. His work should be a REQUIRED feature for every Humphrey Bogart film. Lax supplies a wealth of information on the actors, the genesis of the film, studio politics, etc. A Lax-listening is always time well spent.

Warner Night at the Movies. Not so long ago, when Warner was the BEST DVD PRODUCER of them all, it offered the outstanding “Warner Night at the Movies” with select DVD packages. I couldn’t be more pleased, when I uncover one of these gems!

Warner expertly reconstructs the movie-going experience of the day as a viewing option for “The Petrified Forest”. The film may be viewed as part of the entire program, on its own, or the viewer may pick and choose among the included items. There is also an optional introduction to the program by film historian Leonard Maltin, offering welcome background and perspective to those (like me) who have never experienced such a grand entertainment experience. The program consists of:

· A theatrical trailer for the Edward G. Robinson /Humphrey Bogart film “Bullets or Ballots”.

· A Newsreel, reporting the abdication of the Duke of Windsor, and election of Franklin D. Roosevelt.

· “Vitaphone Presents: Rhythmitis” (Runs 19:34), a musical comedy short – starring the ever-popular Hal LeRoy and Toby Wing. A doctor invents “tap-dancing pills” and a producer applies them to a Vaudeville show. Typical of this short’s sensibilities of humor is the following:

Our heroine reads a telegram:

“Have great news for you (Stop).” She pauses.

“Well, why don’t you go on?”

“Oh, no… It said STOP!”

There’s also a big cheat-ending, but who cares! It’s all in 1930s fun!


· “The Coo-Coo Nut Grove”, a cartoon directed by I. (Friz) Freleng. This is the only COLOR element in the whole set, and is one of those “celebrity caricature” cartoons that Warner Bros. specialized in. The issue being that, while certain persons being satirized are “evergreen icons”, too many others have been lost to entertainment history. Those I could identify were W.C. Fields, Katherine Hepburn, Johnny Weismuller, Groucho and Harpo Marx, Mae West, Laurel and Hardy, Clark Gable, Edward G. Robinson, and George Raft.

Indeed, if any cartoon needed it’s own commentary track, it would be one of these. Oddly, some of the celebrity caricatures are depicted as “humans”, while others are depicted as “funny animals and birds”.

· The film itself. One hour and 22 minutes of gripping entertainment! What an experience a 1930s “night at the movies” must have been!

“The Petrified Forest: Menace in the Desert” (Runs 15:47).

An informative “Making Of” documentary, that rightly describes the film as “The turning point in Humphrey Bogart’s career”. Other informational highlights include:

· Bogart drew on real-life gangster John Dillinger as inspiration.

· Warner Bros. wanted Edward G. Robinson for the part of “Duke Mantee”, but Leslie Howard insisted on his Broadway co-star Humphrey Bogart, thus changing the course of Bogart’s career – and a good chunk of film history!

· Warner Bros. filmed an “alternate happy ending” for this film, which tested badly, and was not used. Though, in keeping with the production codes, Duke Mantee is brought to justice off camera.

Bogart biographer Eric Lax and film historian Dr. Drew Casper (both veterans of other commentaries and features) are among the participants.

Radio broadcast adaptation: January 07, 1940: An audio adaptation of “The Petrified Forest”, with Humphrey Bogart reprising his role.


Overall:
“The Petrified Forest” as noted earlier, is the breakout film for the legendary Humphrey Bogart. (…Have we said that enough?) It is also a great film in its own right.

The DVD Extra Features are extraordinary, with “Warner Night at the Movies” really making the package an experience to remember!

It is recommended for fans of Humphrey Bogart, Bette Davis, Leslie Howard, and enthusiasts of the period in general!

Thanks… I Think!

Friends, I’m here to tell you that being a freelance writer of comic-book dialogue isn’t all fame, fortune, and fun.

You don’t get invited to the best parties… or, even the worst. No groupies… though, considering it's comic books and not sports or music, that COULD be a good thing!

And, no matter how much you may contribute to the success of a story, recognition by the masses is never assured.

Here’s a review of UNCLE SCROOGE # 397 (page-down to find it) that credits the original writers of the story for the specifics that I added to the dialogue. …At least the reviewer liked the stuff I added.

Such is dialoguing life!

Realizations: The (Relative) Importance of Kids’ Comics!

As our last two posts dealt with FAMILY GUY and SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS, let’s combine the two by asking the question…

Name an item of merchandise not bearing SpongeBob’s image?

Hmmm… It’s not Band-Aids. It’s not canned pasta. It’s not snack crackers. It’s not shampoo. It’s not a whole lotta things!

But a good answer might be COMIC BOOKS!

While not nearly as relentlessly merchandised as SpongeBob, one could say the same about FAMILY GUY.

By my unofficial count, FAMILY GUY had a three-issue mini series, and SpongeBob never had an officially licensed comic book bearing his name at all.

Contrast this with THE SIMPSONS, for whom an entire comic book publishing ENTITY was created!

The only conclusion I can draw – and it is nothing more than that… a CONCLUSION on my part – is that SIMPSONS creator Matt Groening (like myself) grew up in (…and had his sensibilities affected by) a time during which kids’ comic books were a significant form of mass entertainment. And, perhaps FAMILY GUY creator Seth MacFarlane and SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS creator Stephen Hillenburg did not.

MacFarlane freely confesses to love the Eighties; in the same way I love the Sixties. Presumably, he was of “that magical age when all is wonder” during the Eighties, as I was in the Sixties.

Not so coincidently, the Eighties was the decade where most “kids’ comics” died. Marvel and DC reinvigorated themselves from the doldrums of the Seventies with “Marvel Super Heroes Secret Wars” and “DC Universe: Crisis on Infinite Earths” respectively – and this spread throughout their entire lines, buoying them through the onset of the 21st Century.

An explosion of “Independent Comics” also occurs at the time but, alas (save for the classic Disney revivals of Gladstone Series I in 1986), kids’ comics as a whole were dead.

Therefore, again my opinion, comic books were not important enough for Seth MacFarlane to “fall in love with” – and become important enough to become a standard merchandising operation for FAMILY GUY. I know nothing about Stephen Hillenburg, but it would not surprise me to find a similar situation in his case as well.

Matt Groening, like me, DID “fall in love with” the comic book. I’ve been side-to-side with him at San Diego, as he dug through long boxes like a regular fan. And that’s why I believe there are plenty of SIMPSONS COMICS – and none for FAMILY GUY and SPONGEBOB.

What say you?

SpongeBob Update # 1

"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"
“SpongeBob Squarepants!”

“Yellow, absorbent, and porous is he!"
“SpongeBob Squarepants!”

So goes the theme song to the most successful modern animated property of the last decade or more.

Back in THIS POST, I discussed my newfound interest in the animated series SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS – and profiled the main characters. Go there, and save me the trouble of describing them again, so we can get on with things.

As you recall, I’ve watched, and very much enjoyed, the First Season of SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS, and have the equivalent of the first five seasons. Over time, I’ve heard that, as the series went on, it lost a little steam.


Well folks, I’m here to tell you that, at least as of Season Six (which I’ve skipped forward to just out of curiosity), I see no sign of it.

If anything, the series has gotten more delightfully cynical and will occasionally tread ground I’d NEVER expect from a modern-day children’s cartoon! By this time, it will also expand on its “two cartoons per show” format, and do double-length episodes when needed.

Let’s consider four episodes from Season Six:

“Gone”: SpongeBob wakes up one morning to find he is the only person left in the underwater village of Bikini Bottom. Nice variation on a Sci-Fi standard of the “character alone” that was the basis for THE TWILIGHT ZONE pilot, and was used to good advantage on both STAR TREK and VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA.

Here, however, an ENTIRE DAY passes, before SpongeBob notices the problem. He gets up, goes to work, and comes home again unaffected. Then, he panics. He copes with the situation first by playing the roles of the entire population of Bikini Bottom himself (!) with SpongeBob’s voice actor Tom Kenny expertly parodying the voices of the other characters – and then by befriending a boat (!), which he later suspects of plotting against him! The wrap-up and explanation (which I will not spoil) turns out to be something absurdly cynical! I loved it!

“Sun Bleached” gives us “Craig Mammalton” the seal with the golden tan! “Legend has it…”, one enamored denizen of Bikini Bottom says of this George Hamilton parody character, “…his tan is SO DEEP – even HIS BONES are a rich caramel brown!” SpongeBob is denied entrance to Mammalton’s big party, due to the sponge’s inability to tan. (Um, how DOES one TAN underwater?) He fakes a tan, gains entrance, is exposed, but by some odd and loopy logic, both he and friend Patrick are accepted into the elite.

The oblivious crowd parties under ultra-intense tanning devices until they are totally reduced to piles of ash (!), leaving SpongeBob to fade out with the following lament: “Hey, Patrick… Do you think that TOO MUCH SUN is a BAD THING?”

“The Clash of Triton”: It’s King Neptune’s 500, 000th birthday, and SpongeBob inadvertently ruins the celebration by continuously (in his own annoying fashion) bringing up, or otherwise referring to Neptune’s estranged son Triton!

As Neptune sobs, SpongeBob sets off to free Triton from the mystical cage in which Neptune had imprisoned him, for not living up to the elder god’s expectations. Father and son reconcile, but they do so to yet another extremely cynical ending that, alas, I will not spoil. Features John O’ Hurley (The Phantom Blot on Disney’s “House of Mouse”) as King Neptune and Victoria Beckham as his queen.

Finally, best for last…

“SpongeBob vs. The Big One”: SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward are swept away to a far off island – and their only hope of escape is to master the art of surfing and capture “The Perfect Wave” – the only wave powerfully awesome enough to carry them home.

However, the hapless trio can only learn this supreme level of surfing from the golden-haired, incredibly buff, surfer-god “JKL” (“Jack Kahuna Laguna”), voiced by Johnny Depp.


Depp’s character is, as noted, absurdly buff and is animated in one exaggerated pose after another – but it is his entrance that really puts this over the top.

He emerges from his small, ordinary looking hut – surfboard first, with the board carried waist-high. But the board, preceding him, is… um, INCREDIBLY LONG – and extends on seemingly forever, until Depp’s character finally enters the frame.

SpongeBob and Patrick stare in awe at the bodacious board, while Squidward takes it further still:

“Oh… My… G (unintelligible sound)” and FAINTS dead away!

Of course, we ALL know that they’re wondering how JKL managed to store that long surfboard in his tiny hut! Right?

Additional milking of the situation occurs in the following exchange:

SpongeBob (to JKL): “Will you teach us how to surf, o’ great one, so we may get back home?”

HE IS MET WITH SILENCE.

Squidward (apparently recovered from the last scene): “Look, Surf Boy, are you gonna teach us how to surf, or are we just gonna stand here and STARE AT YOU all day!”

Patrick (after a beat): Uh, I kinda like STARIN’ at him!

Both “The Clash of Triton” and “SpongeBob vs. The Big One” are double-length episodes – and I’d say every extra minute is put to good use!

Even after six-plus seasons, there is clearly “gold” in them thar seas – proving SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS to be an animated series that “crosses generations” with its humor. Give it a try, you old fuddy-dudies! Preferably on DVD!

Rather than review individual DVDs, I’ll just have more “SpongeBob Updates” as we go!